he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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