I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
did i walk over a car last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
