I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
