Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize