If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You pole danced in your parka.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
