just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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