Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
