Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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