he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
