a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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