onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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