I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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