Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
