How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
