I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
