im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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