Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
