He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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