I'm eating all of the evidence.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
