i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
