Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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