It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
