i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
