Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
