who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
