So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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