Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
