For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I love you.
Bad choice
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
