Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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