Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
