God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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