How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
