No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
