If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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