so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
