I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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