Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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