i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
