I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
