I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
