I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
