I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
As shirtless as possible
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
