Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
