apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
