well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
