dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
