i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize