that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
