who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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