textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
