you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
