Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
