this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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