So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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