i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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