My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
