totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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