I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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