I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
